Reflecting on the last 2 years has given us food for thought in so many different ways.

We have had to alter and adapt the way we work, live, socialise and survive. Zoom has become king, Deliveroo are on speed dial and home working is the norm for many people now. A very different landscape has formed and we now have to function in it as humans. 

What’s the impact and how are we all feeling about it?

I know that connecting with people digitally is just not the same as a massive hug when you need it or an afternoon spent working in a room together on exciting projects. It seems I am not alone. The Office for National Statistics found that in the first year of the pandemic the percentage of people who ‘felt lonely all or most of the time’ rose to 7.2% of the population – around 3.7 million people. 

This feeling of loneliness for us, as women, was often exacerbated by the multiple hats that now fell upon our heads. Home schooler, home worker, entertainer, carer for the sick, ‘worrier’ for vulnerable people and typically the carrier of all of the ‘heavy’ stuff that become instantly heavier as the pandemic dawned. 

How can we be lonely when we are SO busy and surrounded by SO many people?

It’s useful to understand what loneliness actually means. One definition is ‘the lack of empathic connections with others’ – you know the old saying that you can feel lonely in a room full of people? 

Psychology today states that; ’empathy supplies the emotional glue for meaningful attachments.’ If you don’t have a decent blob of ‘empathy glue’ with the people you connect with, even the most amazing people can seem like strangers and the world can feel like a lonely place.

I experienced this feeling of loneliness when I left my big corporate job, left my husband and started out on a new career. I loved the new and exciting people I was working with and the mums at the school gate were so friendly, but I still felt lonely. None of these people were ‘just like me’, they were brilliant and kind people, but there was still something separating us. I took a leap and invested in myself – I signed up for the AWL programme that Jane runs and within an hour of meeting the women on that program, I knew that they were ‘just like me’, they empathised with me and we instantly bonded as a tribe (and still are to this day).

Jane can relate to the feeling of loneliness too – she was married, had two gorgeous children, had a great job and lovely home but still felt lonely in her relationship. Although a deep commitment had been made and things ‘looked ok from the outside’ there just wasn’t the depth of connection and empathy that could stop her from feeling lonely. Jane made a huge decision to end that marriage and now feels less lonely, even though she is single.

I have had some bloody brilliant coaching conversations with women about connection lately, one in particular sticks in my mind. This person liberally sprinkled the word ‘connection’ into most of our conversations – there was a clear longing to meaningfully connect with people ‘just like her’.

She had struggled with this for several reasons; she felt in the shadow of others, thought she was an introvert and hadn’t got the confidence to truly show herself, so couldn’t create those connections she needed. During our sessions she realised that she took great energy from others (in small doses!) so, wasn’t really a 100% introvert. She identified how much she had to give and that showing her vulnerabilities to others was a positive thing. We did the work on how she could make this happen and she now feels far more connected and less lonely as a result. 

I know that I have personally struggled to feel really connected to others, especially when everything is becoming more and more digital. I have tried a few different things to overcome this feeling of loneliness; a good starting point is to understand where you are now – Who is in your circle and what do you get from them? 

Time to get the paper and pens out!

1. List or draw all your connections. Family, friends, work colleagues – anyone you interact with regularly. 
2. Think about what you get from them – do you get belly laughs, thoughtful support or a listening ear from them? Do they drain your energy or not really understand who you are and your vulnerabilities? Try to be as honest as you can be in your evaluation of your current connections and note this down
3. Sit back and reflect on where you currently are with your connections. How does this feel? Is there space for more connections that are deep and meaningful – those people who ‘just get you’?

Once you know this information, it is really helpful to talk it through with other people. We have found those conversations on the YLLO weekender to be super valuable and create a connection with others on the weekend too.