I was having a post swimble coffee (I like this new phrase I’ve discovered, I feel it sums up my ‘bobbing’ approach to sea swimming!) with a friend and we got onto the topic of how, while we knew of a few marriages and relationships that were coming to an end, none of them were down to the ‘traditional’ reasons that a relationship might break up. There was no infidelity, no abuse, no abandonment. It was simply quite often down to a sense of just not being happy.

No blame, no drama, no trauma. Just a simple awakening to the fact that this isn’t enough. That life is short and an unhappy relationship is long.

My own awakening came almost like clockwork. My Mum had been diagnosed with secondary breast cancer, I turned 40 and I realised that I just wasn’t happy in my relationship. It was like some sort of epiphany where I realised that life was short, and it was terrifying to think of feeling like this for the next 40 years (if I was lucky). It wasn’t that anything was wrong, but that something just wasn’t right. I wrestled with these feelings for years, until eventually I was able to have the conversations I needed to have with my then husband, and we decided to end the relationship.

For many women that I work with through Quiet the Hive, they talk to me about the feeling of an awakening to a realisation that they have spent the last part of their lives putting others first, so much so that they no longer know what their own dreams, ambitions and desires are. They have spent so long putting others first, being the dutiful daughter, wife, mother, employee, that they no longer really know what they want, or how to go for it if they do.

Jo and I believe that putting yourself up high on the priority list is important. It is not selfish, but rather an essential piece of maintenance to keep you (and your relationships) healthy. You will have heard us applaud the old adage of applying your own oxygen masks before helping others with theirs, and that rings true here. If you don’t feel like you have purpose and meaning, it is very hard to stay energised and enthused enough to help others reach theirs.

This isn’t about running away from your domestic responsibilities, but it is about checking that your energies and passions are recognised and allowed to play out.

We are starting to hear about a sense of restlessness that women are starting to feel in their 40s and 50s. For me, this is the result of starting to have a deeper knowing about yourself. You are beginning to get comfortable with who you are, what your values are, and starting to think about the legacy you leave behind; how you are in the world.

It can feel scary and uncomfortable to recognise this restlessness, it may leave you feel shaken and disturbed; almost like you are second guessing who you are. It may feel unnerving to suddenly feel your power under the surface, waiting to surge out in all it’s ‘this is me’ glory. But embracing this awakening is key to getting curious about it and beginning to enjoy it even.

It’s a great time to start thinking about what you have enjoyed about your life so far, and what you want to take with you (or leave behind) into the next chapter.

Here are some questions that you can explore in your own time to help you shed some light on ‘where next’.

1. What are you most proud of when you look back over the last few years of your life?
2. What do you feel you’ve missed out on by focussing on other people’s dreams, priorities and goals?
3. What do you want to leave behind as you move forward?
4. What is important to you in your life – be brutally honest
5. How much of that do you focus on?

At the Your Life Less Ordinary weekenders, these are exactly the sorts of questions we focus on to allow you to leave with a clear understanding on where you focus needs to be, and how you are going to make sure it is.

Essentially, we’ll help you find and apply that oxygen mask.

Jane x