I (Jane) have been thinking about female friendships a lot recently, and recognising how hard it can be to make new friends as a grown up. I keep hearing about the pandemic of loneliness that is omnipresent right now, and wondering about where that comes from.

I think we sometimes feel like we are keeping up with our friends and their news through the medium of social media. Do you ever meet with friends in real life, only to realise that you thought you knew their news and where they were, but had completely missed the nuance behind it? 

How many of you used to pick up the phone and call a friend almost as soon as you came in from school, having just spent six hours together? And how many of you call friends now? I am absolutely guilty of this, preferring to send a quick text or voice message. Perhaps I tell myself that this is because (a) if i don’t do it when I think of it, I will forget (this is actually completely true!) and (b) I don’t know when it might be convenient for them, so I’m doing it this way to respect their time. I think I’m calling BS on this. I think it’s just that we don’t use the phone anymore. We don’t have real-life interactions in the same way that perhaps we should.

One of the things Jo and I adore seeing over the course of a Your Life Less Ordinary weekender, is the deep connections that are made in almost no time at all. Spending time with strangers, and finding out more about them is one of the joys that we don’t allow ourselves anymore. It feels too brave, too vulnerable, too scary. This is the truth. Most women report that the two points they are most nervous about the weekenders are (1) pressing the ‘book now’ button and (2) that moment of arriving at the venue, just before walking in. 

March holds the glorious event that is International Women’s Day, for me, the whole of March feels like a celebration of women, of what we are capable of, of what we achieve on a daily basis and the women who hold space for us, who celebrate with us and who reach out for our hand at the time we really need it. We make friends at different points in our life, some from school, perhaps at uni or in our first work settings. Maybe we create more friendships as we move along our career pathway or drop the kids off at the school gates, maybe it’s in joining teams or groups. 

Each of our friends fills a different space or role for us; as we do for them. Not all friendships are deep and formative, some are transient, some are just peripheral but each teaches us something about ourselves and about others. 

It’s possible to be surrounded by friends, to count them all on multiple fingers, and still feel lonely. At Your Life Less Ordinary, we find that it’s the chance to be seen and heard that can really make a difference for people. Sharing our secret dreams and ‘what if’s’ can connect us to people in a way that is never replicated over social media. The opportunity to be the person who really sees and hears someone else is a deep privilege and is repaid in kind and over time.

In the same way that we are encouraged to invest in our romantic relationships, friendships take work. If we want them to be deep and lasting, we need to put in the time. Sometimes, it is just sending a quick text when you think of someone, just to check in and say hi. Sometimes, it takes more effort or organisation – a dinner date, a weekend away. But whichever path you choose, it always brings a glow to think of your friends (I’m smiling writing this thinking about mine, and actually just paused to tell someone I was thinking of them as they’re waiting for potentially super exciting news). 

Want some ideas:

Here are five free (or for the price of a stamp!) ways you can invest in your friendships right now…

1. Text them to say you’re thinking of them. No expectation of a reply, just popping in to make them smile (you could also do this with a voice note)
2. Write a letter – not an email, an actual physical letter that they have to open, stop what they’re doing, and read
3. Phone them. It may not be the right time, but if you don’t call them you’ll never know. Remember when you used to spend all day at school together and then come home and spend another hour on the phone? I know we don’t like to use phones now, but try it
4. Make them a mix tape – songs of your friendship, things that make you laugh – share it on Spotify with them
5. Listen. Ask them how they are. Really. And don’t try and jump in with “oh I know, that happened to me..” or “just dump him…” or “gosh kids are a pain…”. Meet them with open questions and active listening and don’t go automatically into ‘solving’ mode. Given them the underrated gift of time and space to talk about and think about them